23 May 2017
While
some women have no trouble getting knocked up, I go through a lot of
trouble just to get pregnant. We have been trying for years. Well, I
once did but it was short-lived and we’ve been trying again since.
While
some women try to avoid sex to prevent pregnancy, I am trying to have
as much sex as possible to get pregnant and take vitamins in case I
do succeed. While some women are cautious about having sex during
their fertile window, I make it a point to have sex within that
period. I track my cycle days. Monitor my temperature, weight,
cervical mucus and cervix position to determine my ovulation day and
make sure I have sex on that very day. Yes, I perform an internal
examination on my vagina everyday.
While some women enjoy being
fingered by their boyfriends instead of penile penetration (again, to
avoid pregnancy), I finger myself to measure the depth of my cervix.
Is it high? Is it low? Is it open or close? Is it soft or hard? Is it
wet or dry? I finger myself to take note whether my cervical mucus is
dry, creamy, watery, or have the texture of an egg white. While some
women use contraceptive and fear the positive result of a pregnancy
kit, I use an ovulation kit to track the surge in the amount of my LH
(Luteinizing Hormone) and eagerly wish for a positive result. All
these to determine my exact ovulation day. Or shall I say ovulation
hours? Since the released egg is only available for fertilization
within 12 – 24 hours. So, I. MUST. HAVE. SEX. Within that window
hours, or at least a day or two, before that since sperms can survive
up to 5 days.
While
some women cry upon knowing they are pregnant because they are not
yet ready to care for a child, I cry every month when I bleed on the
first day of my menstrual period because it means I failed to get
pregnant. Again. While some women try to dispose of their unwanted
child, I try to wrap my brain around the fact that while some women
do not have a problem getting pregnant, there are women like me who
need to work hard on it. While some women throw the blessing of
having a child, I pray every night to be blessed with one. Even just
one.
While
some tactless and uncultured people bluntly ask why I ‘don’t
have any kids yet’, ‘don’t I want one?’, or comment that
I ‘should be hurrying up’ as I am ‘not getting any
younger’... while they
ignorantly
assume that it’s only
I who have a problem...that
somehow it’s all my fault... While some pricks make fun and jokes about it... I just bite my tongue and just
try to understand their ignorance and insensitivity.
I
just take a deep breath and tell myself, they don’t know my...
our... struggle and all the factors therein. I just take consolation
in the thought that maybe they really are just simpletons who don’t
know any better. And then I pray for wisdom for them.
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