How To Lose A Friend in 12 Easy Steps

(A True Story)

Are you someone looking to lose a friend? Or just someone who values superficial things over real friends? Or just someone out of control when things don't go your way? 

Or maybe, someone who is in desperate need of a true friend but doesn't know how to keep them and so, only ends up with superficial friends every now and then?

Here is how two friends got turned off by a friend whom they admire, respect and really look up to...

Step 1. Call your friend in the middle of the night and ask them where they are. Don't bother with "hi" or "hello". Just say, "where are you?"

Step 2. Demand that they come over at your place right that instant because you need an audience for your rantings about your boyfriend. Tell them that you are going to pick them up if they say no and give you excuses like, there's no cab, or that they are on their way home from work and that they are really tired. Who cares if it's already way past midnight? You need an audience! Only that matters!

Step 3. Tell them to buy you your favorite expensive ensaymanda, once they agree to come over.  Oh, so what if they had to go all the way back inside the mall and search for the store? They shouldn't be a baby and get you what you want.

Step 4. Recite your litany of complaints and questions about your boyfriend upon reaching your place. Go on and on and on, and over and over again, as long as you like. Ignore their yawns and other signs of exhaustion. 

Step 5. Offer your mobile phone charger and invite them to spend the night or whatever is left of it, when their phone runs out of battery and they express desire to go home. 

Step 6. Misplace (unintentionally, of course) your mobile phone charger and then frantically track your friend's whereabouts the following night to ask her for it.

Step 7. Call a mutual friend for help in tracking your friend down and relate the story of how you think they took your mobile phone charger with them. Rant on and on how you would like to believe that they didn't they take it but there's no other person who could have. You already asked your two maids and they said they haven't seen that precious charger since morning. Again, never mind that you are calling late at night. Call again and again until one of you reaches the friend in question.

Step 8. Listen but don't believe your mutual friend when they say that your friend is not someone who would take things that are not theirs and that things get misplaced all the time but have a way of turning up in unexpected places. Besides, it's not about the cost of the charger even if it's an Apple brand. You could easily buy a new one; money is never your problem. It's about the trust that you have given the friend, letting them into your fancy apartment and all...

Step 9. Harass your friend on the phone once you get a hold of them. Regardless of where they are at the moment, whether at work or on a date, demand them to produce the mobile phone charger. Ignore and cut them off when they try to explain that they didn't take it. Yell and tell them they are the only one who could have taken it! Tell them how important that charger is. How could you and your boyfriend get in touch now? How???

Step 10. Do not apologize to either friend once you find your mobile phone charger under your bed covers. Tell them you found it but still blame it on your friend because the charger was not where they said they put it. There would have been no problem if they remembered exactly where they put it, right? All the commotion and hysterics could have been avoided. Tsk... tsk... what a stupid forgetful friend!

Step 11. Be offended and indignant when your mutual friend admonishes you for accusing someone of taking your charger and then still blaming them after finding out that it was just misplaced. You already said that you took the issue out of your mind the night before. Scolding you for hurting your friend's feelings? Your friend knows damn well that you are going through a lot of boyfriend problems! Tell them off not to get things out of hand. What a drama queen! Geesh!

Step 12. Lastly, thank your stupid forgetful friend for not making a big deal out of it. After all, you're a nice and well-bred person who always say "please" and "thank you".  Although, "sorry" is not included your vocabulary. You are infallible!

Congratulations! You have just lost two friends! Talk about two birds in one stone, right? 😆

The two friends didn't mind the hysterics much. They could have let it go. What appalled them was the lack of remorse for acting that way, accusing someone of theft and then continue blaming them even after finding out that the charger was indeed just misplaced. Especially coming from someone whom they thought to be a great and wonderful person. 😞

Moral of the Story: 

Don't jump into conclusions and accusations. Exhaust all possibilities and always give the benefit of the doubt. No matter how awful your problem is, do not forget other people's feelings. Know when you are at fault. Acknowledge your shortcomings and apologize after losing your cool.